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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #1

    Default Joke Thread

    How about a thread for jokes? Here's one to get things going....


    A fellow walks into a bar,
    notices a very large jar on the counter,
    and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
    He guesses there must be
    more than ten thousand dollars in it.
    He approaches the bartender and asks,
    'What's with the money in the jar?'

    'Well.........you pay $10 and
    if you pass three tests,
    you get all the money and
    the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
    And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

    'You must pay first......
    Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

    So, after thinking it over a while,
    the man gives the bartender the $10
    and the bartender drops it into the jar.

    'Okay,' the bartender says,
    'Here's what you need to do:
    First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
    in a minute or less, and
    you can't make a face while doing it.

    Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

    Third - There's a 80-year old lady upstairs
    who has never had ***....
    You have to take care of that problem!'

    The man is stunned.
    'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
    I won't do it!
    You'd have to be nuts
    to drink a quart of tequila, and
    then do all those other things.....'

    'Your call,' says the bartender.....
    'But, your money stays where it is.'

    As time goes on, and
    the man has a few more drinks,
    he finally says,
    'Where's the damn tequila?'

    He grabs the bottle with both hands
    and drinks it as fast as he can.
    Tears stream down both cheeks...
    but he doesn't make a face, and
    he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

    Next, he staggers out the back door,
    where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
    Soon the people inside the bar hear
    growling, biting, and screaming sounds...
    then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think that
    the man surely must be dead,
    he staggers back into the bar,
    with his shirt ripped open
    and there are scratches and
    he's bleeding all over his body.

    He says,
    'Now where's that old woman
    with the bad tooth?'

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    3 Guys in a bar drinking.. trying to decide who has the dumbest wife.

    Guy #1... "My wife is so dumb she thinks that if she turns the TV off it will pause the film so that she can go to bathroom, come back and not miss anything. She never understands why her plan doesn't work".

    Guy #2... "Hmmm, yeah that is pretty dumb... but my wife beats that. As you know ..we dont have any kids and we live in a 1 bedroom apartment.. but last month she won a few thousand on the national lottery and immediately bought 4 washing machines. Her logic is that now she can wash all her colors and fabrics at the same time"

    Guy #3 had been standing there listening, smiling, nodding his head and waiting to tell his friends what really dumb was really about...
    "My wife flew to Venice this morning for a 1 week vacation all on her own. Last night, as I helped her pack her suitcase, I noticed she was taking 6 packets of condoms.. I didn't say anything.. I just laughed under my breath ..but that is SO dumb...because.. what's she gonna do with them ?...she doesn't even have a dick"

    Happi days

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    There was a young lady from Chichester
    Who made all the saints in their niches stir
    One morning at Matins
    Her bottom in satins
    Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Two guys playing golf, but ahead of them are two ladies who seem to be dawdling too much, one guy says to the other, 'Stay here and I will walk down to them and ask if we can play through'.
    Off he went, but when he was within 150 yards of them he turned around and briskly walked back to his friend.
    He friend said 'What is wrong', he replied ' One of the ladies was my wife the other my mistress, you had better go'.
    Off goes his friend and again when he was within 150 yards of them he turned around and briskly walked back to his friend and says' What a coincidence'.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Having *** is like playing bridge... if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
    Happi days

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    There were twin sisters about to turn one hundred years old, to mark the occasion the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to go to the nursing home take some pictures of the ladies.

    One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.

    The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.
    The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    "WE'VE GOT TO SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

    "Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
    Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".
    So, they wiggled up close to each other.

    "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
    Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    "HE SAYS HE'S GOING TO FOCUS!"
    With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?


  7. #7
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    Default Re: Joke Thread


    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services...

    Hunter: My friend is dead! What can I do?
    Operator: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    The guy's voice comes back on the line: OK, now what?...

  8. #8

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    21 ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED WITH COWS

    > SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.

    You give one to your neighbour.

    > COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

    > FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    > NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and shoots you.

    > BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
    the milk away...

    > TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.

    You sell one and buy a bull.

    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

    You sell them and retire on the income.

    > SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.

    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.

    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

    > ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.

    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
    of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
    debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
    four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
    of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman
    Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
    the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
    report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
    You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
    you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The
    public then buys your bull.

    > A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.

    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
    want three cows.

    > A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.

    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
    and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow
    cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

    > A GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.

    You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
    and milk themselves.

    > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

    You decide to have lunch.

    > A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.

    You count them and learn you have five cows.

    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

    You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    > A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

    You charge the owners for storing them.

    > A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.

    You have 300 people milking them.

    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    > AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.

    You worship them.

    > A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.

    Both are mad.

    > AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

    You tell them that you have not one.

    No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
    country.

    You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
    Democracy...

    > AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.

    Business seems pretty good.

    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    > A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.

    The one on the left looks very attractive...

  9. #9

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    The Lone Ranger's Last Request


    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

    The Indian Chief proclaims,


    "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

    "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
    "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request ???'

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

    The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

    Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

    As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

    The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed..
    "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."

    "What is your SECOND request ???"

    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse..

    Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

    As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

    Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

    She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

    The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

    "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow."

    "What is your LAST request ???"

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

    The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.



    Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,


    Listen Very Carefully !!!!

    FOR... THE.... LAST... TIME...


    I SAID ...



    "BRING POSSE"

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Two guys are watching a dog licking it's cojones.
    One says, "man, I wish I could do that."
    The other says, "me too, but he'd probably bite me."

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A Lion, a Bear and a Pig sitting around (chillin') bragging about how tough they are.
    The Lion says..'When I roar the whole jungle shakes with fear'
    'When I roar'..says the Bear..'everything in the forest runs and hides'
    'Hmmm, thats nothing'.. says the Pig..'All I have to do is sneeze and the whole world has a panic attack'
    Last edited by Yinka; 9th May 2009 at 02:15 PM.
    Happi days

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    When I die I want to go quietly in my sleep like my grandfather..not screaming in terror like his passengers.
    Happi days

  13. #13
    TYRNTLZRDKING Guest

    Default Re: Joke Thread


  14. #14
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    I'm use Linux Ubuntu and here is a Microsoft Windows OS to play with. :http://www.deanliou.com/WinRG/

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A COLD person driving his car in Greenland... he hears a strange sound comming from his engine and asks the attendant at a service station to have a look. The attendant has a little rummage around and says...'Hmmm it looks like you've blown a seal'.
    'No, no, no' (says the COLD person) 'thats just frost on my mustache'
    Happi days

  16. #16
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    This one could get me into trouble with all our lady members, but here goes

    Contrary to popular belief, following a recent article in the Lancet, the *** of a child is not determined during growth in the womb, it is decided when the baby exits the womb and the midwife or doctor smacks the baby's bottom, at which point the willy falls off the stupid ones.

  17. #17
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Be careful Ireaney you may open the box.. and I'm sure there are many people out there who would love to drown us in that particular world of humour.
    Happi days

  18. #18
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    OK, so let's go a slightly different direction:

    A young couple loves to play golf, but are too poor to afford it. To their delight, her boss invites them to play at his country club. They arrive early to prepare for a great afternoon. At the last minute the boss calls, saying he can't get away from the office, but arranges for them to play anyway.

    On the first tee they are frightened by the narrow fairway with large mansions adjacent to the left rough. They manage to keep to the fairway only to be presented with the same problem on the right at the 2nd tee. And his drive is a big arching slice that finds an enormous picture window that shatters into a million pieces.

    With humility and fear they knock on the front door of the enormous house. Through the door they hear a craggy old voice say "it's open, please come in." They walk into a 2-story room whose carpets are covered in shards of glass in the middle of which is a tiny blue glass bottle with a broken neck. An old codger, dressed in strange clothing asks them in the same craggy voice, "did you break the window?"

    The husband admits his guilt, but as he offers to pay for the window the old codger holds up his hand and says:

    "I have you to thank for letting me out of that blue bottle, where I have been trapped for more than a 1000 years. I will grant 3 wishes, and since there are 3 of us here, maybe we can each have a wish."

    The couple readily agree, and the codger invites the lady to wish first. Impressed with the beauty of the mansion, she asks for a similar house in every country of the world. "That's easy, granted!" he says. Thinking of the cost of maintaining such houses and living in an appropriate style through good and bad economic times, the husband asks for $1M + 1M Euros per year for as long as they live. "Money is easy, granted!" the codger says.

    "Now for my wish -- you see, I've been cooped up in that bottle for so long without the pleasure of a woman -- I would like to spend the afternoon upstairs with this beautiful young lady I've just granted a wish."

    The young man does not like the idea of his wife with another man, but his greed overcomes his jealousy and he defers to his wife's wishes. She dislikes being with a wrinkly old man, but is tired of being stuck in their cramped quarters. So she decides that an afternoon with the codger is worth the reward, and helps him up the stairs.

    A few hours later, the codger rolls off the young woman, and asks how old she and her husband are. She admits that she just turned 30 and her husband is 32.

    "That old", he says, "and you still believe in genies!"

  19. #19
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

    younger sister.


    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

    tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

    would regularly bend down when she was near

    me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

    be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

    near anyone else.


    One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

    come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

    alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

    had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

    overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

    before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

    you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

    up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

    and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

    opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

    Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing

    outside, all clapping!


    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and

    said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

    little test. We couldn't ask for a better

    man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

    AND


    And the moral of this story is:

    Always keep your condoms in your car.

  20. #20
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Get Well Tip

    One morning, Joe doesn't feel very well and decides to call his boss.

    "Boss, I'm not feeling well at all, I think I'm under the weather, feel cold and weak. I'd like to take the day off sick".

    His boss replies: "Joe, I know that feeling, nothing serious to worry about. When I feel like you describe it, I turn to my wife and say "Honey, let's make love" and soon I'm feeling top again. You should try it".

    Two hours later Joe calls his boss again: "Boss, thanks man, that was very good advice, it also worked for me, I'll be in soon."

    "Oh, and you have a very nice house...".
    Roger

    ------------------
    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

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