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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #161
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Little know facts about Las Vegas...

    Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

    THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,
    BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

    NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

    SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

    THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN...AND THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

    ...throw off the bowlines...sail away from safe harbor...catch the winds in your sails...EXPLORE...DREAM...DISCOVER
    – Mark Twain
    www.floatingimpressions.com.au

  2. #162
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Yamba, Australia
    Posts
    318

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    9:58 PM.
    Bob, sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

    The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.


    The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

    Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
    "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


    Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

    The blonde replied, "I did too, but I really didn't think he'd do it again."


    Bob took the money.
    ...throw off the bowlines...sail away from safe harbor...catch the winds in your sails...EXPLORE...DREAM...DISCOVER
    – Mark Twain
    www.floatingimpressions.com.au

  3. #163
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA
    August 31st- Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched thesunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautifu l. I've finally found my new home. I love it here..

    September 13th- Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

    September 30th- Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

    October 10th- The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.

    October 15th- Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

    October 20th- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

    October 25th- This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant ****in' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f***in' Perth!

    October 30th- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f***in' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

    November 4th- Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

    November 8th- If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to f***in' throttle him. F***in' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f***in' wet and I smell like baked cat!

    November 9th -Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f***in arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my f***in' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

    November 10th- Weather report! It might as well be a f***in' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f***in' sunny! It's been too hot to do any thing for two f***in' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

    November 15th- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f***in' place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f***in' pool.. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the f***in' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the f***ers!

    November 20th- Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f***in' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid f***er. F***in' Karratha! What kind of sick, demented f***in' idiot would want to live here!

    December 1st- WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are f***in' kidding!
    ...throw off the bowlines...sail away from safe harbor...catch the winds in your sails...EXPLORE...DREAM...DISCOVER
    – Mark Twain
    www.floatingimpressions.com.au

  4. #164
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    Fremantle, Western Australia
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    bugger me bloody woosie whinging pomm. Thats just nice weather

  5. #165
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    Jul 2009
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    Gosport
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    As a whinging pomm I loved that!

  6. #166
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on ***, marriage, and
    Family values.
    Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

    Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
    ___________________________________________

    A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
    intelligence come from?'

    The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
    cause I still have mine.'
    ___________________________________________

    'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
    Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

    'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
    then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
    ___________________________________________

    A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
    took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
    at all..'

    'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
    good with the kids.'
    ___________________________________________

    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
    has been living with for the last 40 years.

    The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
    that were used to put the curse on you.'

    The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
    ___________________________________________

    Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
    1. The DNA all matches.
    2. There are no dental records.
    ___________________________________________

    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
    it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
    The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
    'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
    ___________________________________________

    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
    'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
    'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
    'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
    'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
    ___________________________________________

    Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
    Joe: 'Really?'
    Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
    ___________________________________________

    A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
    asks him how he is feeling.

    'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
    surgery,' he answered.

    'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

    'Oops!'
    ___________________________________________

    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
    of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds
    since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my
    husband's
    advice.

    'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

    'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

    He's still in intensive care.
    ___________________________________________

    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
    clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
    accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

    The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
    ...throw off the bowlines...sail away from safe harbor...catch the winds in your sails...EXPLORE...DREAM...DISCOVER
    – Mark Twain
    www.floatingimpressions.com.au

  7. #167
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

    'Talking Dog for Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees anicelooking Labrador retriever sitting there.

    'You talk?' he asks.

    'Yep,' the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock ofhearinga dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told theCIA.

    In no time at all they had me jetting fromcountry to country,sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, becauseno one figured adogwould be eavesdropping.'


    'I was one of their most valuable spies foreightyears running...

    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.


    I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.


    I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'


    'I got married, had amess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

    'Because he's such a liar. He's never been out of the yard'
    ...throw off the bowlines...sail away from safe harbor...catch the winds in your sails...EXPLORE...DREAM...DISCOVER
    – Mark Twain
    www.floatingimpressions.com.au

  8. #168
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    Default Re: Joke Thread



    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  9. #169
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Currently Fiji
    Posts
    22

    Default Crew of Reef Man Sinking Awaiting rescue


  10. #170

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

    On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the nearby carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

    The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake."

  11. #171

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A man settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever between them in the middle seat.

    The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
    The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.
    ‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.’

    The plane took off and, once it had levelled out, the Policeman said ‘Watch this’. He told Sniffer to ‘search’.

    Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
    Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.
    The Policeman said ‘Good boy’ and he turned to the man and said ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana. I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

    ‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.

    Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again

    I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’

    ‘I like it!’, said his seat mate.

    The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to s**t all over the place.

    The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on?’

    The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He just found a bomb!’

  12. #172
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    > A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought
    of beer...
    >

    > Tim - 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
    >

    > Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
    >

    > Grady - 'My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties.'
    >

    > Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the
    more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a
    good thing.'
    >

    > Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'
    >

    > Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he
    dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
    >
    > Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
    >
    > Mary - 'I think beer tastes bitter and I don't like it. Mom likes it, but she gets tired and leans on guys and they have to help her to the bedroom for a quick nap. When they come back, she is all perky and happy, and the guys are all tired out.'
    >
    > Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

    > Brittney - 'I don't like beer, but mom says it helps you get the guys you want, so I'll have to learn to like it.'
    >
    > Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
    >

    > Fergie - 'My mom never drinks beer when dad is home, but he sometimes does. Then she yells at him when it makes him want to smooch. Mom only drinks beer when dad is away. When it makes her want to smooch, she will do it with everybody, even the Pizza guy, and he is weird.'
    >

    > Alice - 'My sister told me you have to drink your own weight in beer before you start to like it. She has some ways to go yet, I think. The guys usually ignore her until they have had a whole lot of beer, then they get nice and play with her.'
    >
    > Brad - 'Beer tastes disgusting. My brother told me it makes you think the girls are pretty. With his girlfriend I would need an awful lot of beer.'
    ...throw off the bowlines...sail away from safe harbor...catch the winds in your sails...EXPLORE...DREAM...DISCOVER
    – Mark Twain
    www.floatingimpressions.com.au

  13. #173
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.


    The first surgeon, from Toronto , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


    The second, from Montreal, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is
    color coded."


    The third surgeon, from Saskatchewan , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."


    The fourth surgeon, from Vancouver chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a
    few parts left over.'


    But the fifth surgeon, from Ottawa , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
    There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
    ...throw off the bowlines...sail away from safe harbor...catch the winds in your sails...EXPLORE...DREAM...DISCOVER
    – Mark Twain
    www.floatingimpressions.com.au

  14. #174
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by D&D View Post


    But the fifth surgeon, from Ottawa , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
    There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
    I thought this was supposed to be a joke thread!



    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  15. #175

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

    The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

    The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

    The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

    The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom, asking: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

    One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

    The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

    The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'

    The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

  16. #176
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    Default This could offend anyone - I hope it doesn't

    (Borrowed from Liz_I on ybw)



    God enjoys a good laugh.


    There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

    1.. He called everyone brother
    2. He liked Gospel
    3. He didn't get a fair trial


    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

    1. He went into His Father's business
    2. He lived at home until he was 33
    3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

    1. He talked with His hands
    2. He had wine with His meals
    3. He used olive oil


    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

    1. He never cut His hair
    2. He walked around barefoot all the time
    3. He started a new religion


    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

    1. He was at peace with nature
    2. He ate a lot of fish
    3. He talked about the Great Spirit


    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

    1. He never got married.
    2. He was always telling stories.
    3. He loved green pastures.


    But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:

    1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
    2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
    3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do!




    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Mike
    HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

    and a decent New Year too.
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  17. #177
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    Default New auto pilot needed.

    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  18. #178
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Now cruising in the SUN! In Malta.
    Posts
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    Default Re: New auto pilot needed.

    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
    Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
    The little boy says "Dark in here."
    The man says "Yes, it is."
    Boy "I have a baseball."
    Man "That’s nice."
    Boy "Want to buy it?"
    Man "No, thanks."
    Boy "My dad’s outside."
    Man "OK, how much?"
    Boy "$250″
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
    Boy "Dark in here."
    Man "Yes, it is."
    Boy "I have a baseball glove."
    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy "How much?"
    Boy "$750″
    Man "Sold."
    A few days later, the father says to the boy "Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says "I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove."
    The father asks "How much did you sell them for?"
    Boy "$1,000″
    The father says "That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess."
    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
    The boy says "Dark in here."
    The priest says "Don’t start that again, you’re in my closet now."
    Roger

    ------------------
    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

  19. #179
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Now cruising in the SUN! In Malta.
    Posts
    1,055

    Default Re: New auto pilot needed.

    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
    Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
    The little boy says "Dark in here."
    The man says "Yes, it is."
    Boy "I have a baseball."
    Man "That’s nice."
    Boy "Want to buy it?"
    Man "No, thanks."
    Boy "My dad’s outside."
    Man "OK, how much?"
    Boy "$250″
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
    Boy "Dark in here."
    Man "Yes, it is."
    Boy "I have a baseball glove."
    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy "How much?"
    Boy "$750″
    Man "Sold."
    A few days later, the father says to the boy "Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says "I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove."
    The father asks "How much did you sell them for?"
    Boy "$1,000″
    The father says "That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess."
    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
    The boy says "Dark in here."
    The priest says "Don’t start that again, you’re in my closet now."
    Roger

    ------------------
    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

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