Page 2 of 9 FirstFirst 1234 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 40 of 179

Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Miami, Florida, USA
    Posts
    14

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

    A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

    'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful,' ' Morris replied.

    To which the doctor replied, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    60

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Here are a few jokes from the late great Tommy Cooper...

    1) One in five people in the world are Chinese and there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. It's either Mum or Dad or older brother colin.. or my younger brother Ho Chi Chou. Hmmm... I think it's Colin.

    2) I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    3) I said to the waiter.. 'This chicken is cold.' He said. 'It should be it's been dead for a month'. I said. 'Not only that, it has one leg shorter than the other'. He said. 'What are going to do.. eat it or dance with it?'

    4) Avoid employing unlucky people.. throw half of the pile of CV's in the bin without reading them.

    5) Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
    Happi days

  3. #23

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    This is in really bad taste:

    Reports that Micheal Jackson was in the emergency ward with a heart attack were false.

    Actually he was in the children's ward having a stroke.


    More bad taste:

    Michael Jackson died of cardiac arrest. It was his first arrest not related to children.

    The funeral is said to be planned for Wednesday to coincide with plastic recycling day in Los Angeles.
    Last edited by 44C; 27th June 2009 at 05:08 AM.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    50% Uk 50% on my boat
    Posts
    5,404

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    I agree about the bad taste.
    Safe Sailing
    Paul
    Blog: www.suliere.com

  5. #25

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Monohulls ... that sinking feeliing ...


    Thomas

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    near Seattle
    Posts
    1,114

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by tyrntlzrdking View Post
    Cool! They're having waaaay more fun than the last 3 (OK, make that the last 4 Republican governors, thanks to Gov. Sanford, the red hot loverboy from south of the Mason Dixon line!) Republican governors to make news headlines! I know which party I wanna join!
    Last edited by BigCat; 21st September 2009 at 07:49 AM.
    Currently concentrating on http://earthnurture.com .

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Brighton, UK
    Posts
    2,815

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    The following was recently forwarded to me:

    > ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
    >
    > Just try reading this without laughing until you cry!!!
    >
    >
    > Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
    >
    > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...
    >
    > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
    > AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.)
    >
    > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it...she is such a sweet cat. If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
    >
    > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
    >
    > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsybitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
    >
    > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, 'dipshit,'" reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
    >
    > HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!
    >
    > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
    >
    > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
    >
    > A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
    >
    > P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    >
    > If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
    Insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Miami, Florida, USA
    Posts
    14

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Okay, here's a good one.



    A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

    The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.

    They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."


    Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results.


    When he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in themidst of heavy ***ual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man ridinga bike."


    The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spentyears teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to eachother, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?


    The chief replied, "My bike."



    Loree
    Aboard SeaWolf
    CruisersLife.com

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Now cruising in the SUN! In Malta.
    Posts
    1,055

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    OLD SHOES!

    Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
    "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
    "Not very likely," his wife replied.
    "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
    He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove over to the store. With a staight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
    With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
    Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
    "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
    The man came back from the corner, empty-handed.
    "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
    Roger

    ------------------
    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    60

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Re-read Talbot's joke of 2nd September !
    Happi days

  11. #31
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Now cruising in the SUN! In Malta.
    Posts
    1,055

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Yinka View Post
    Re-read Talbot's joke of 2nd September !
    Why?
    Roger

    ------------------
    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

  12. #32
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Brighton, UK
    Posts
    2,815

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

    The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

    One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

    She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

    "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
    Insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results

  13. #33
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    60

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by multihullsailor6 View Post
    Why?
    DOH!
    Happi days

  14. #34
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Thailand
    Posts
    99

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN
    AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.


    WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.


    MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE
    WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.



    I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL
    NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME
    30-ODD YEARS AGO.


    COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?


    UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
    THOUGHT.


    THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE
    WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.



    AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
    MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL



    'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.




    WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.



    HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'



    YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!, I EXCLAIMED.



    HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.


    THEN, THAT UGLY,


    OLD,


    BALD,



    WRINKLED FACED,



    FAT-ASSED,



    GRAY-HAIRED,



    DECREPIT



    SON-OF-A-BITCH




    ASKED,






    'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
    >


  15. #35
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    near Seattle
    Posts
    1,114

    Smile Re: What did you teach?

    We'd have to know what she said next to see what she taught him.

    My suggestion: "I was in the fifth grade, and I had such a crush on you when you were a senior! I'm sure you never noticed your buddy's gawky little sister with her braces and knee highs."
    Currently concentrating on http://earthnurture.com .

  16. #36
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Bay View, Ohio
    Posts
    549

    Default Re: What did you teach?

    Talk about saving the best for last!

  17. #37
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    near Seattle
    Posts
    1,114

    Default Re: What did you teach?

    Quote Originally Posted by ka8uet View Post
    Talk about saving the best for last!
    I think you have to either balding or graying to really appreciate the last couple of posts.
    Currently concentrating on http://earthnurture.com .

  18. #38

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

    1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
    3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
    4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
    5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
    6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
    7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."
    8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
    9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
    10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.


    Numbers 11 thru 100: http://www.proft.org/tips/evil.html

  19. #39
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Miami, Florida, USA
    Posts
    14

    Default a Thanksgiving Poem

    A Thanksgiving Poem

    May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump,
    May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump,
    May your yams be delicious,
    May your pies take the prize,
    And may your Thanksgiving dinner
    Stay off of your thighs!


    GOBBLE TIL YOU WOBBLE.........
    And Above All, Give Thanks


  20. #40
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Devon, UK
    Posts
    2,793

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    The old saying.

    ' I hope your wedding night is like'

    either

    a) A turkey dinner, breast tender, legs come apart quickly and stuffing is great

    or

    b) A kitchen table - All legs and no drawers

Page 2 of 9 FirstFirst 1234 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •