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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #41

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Ten years on a deserted island

    A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

    "Ten years!", he says.

    She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

    He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

    Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

    He replies, "Ten years!"

    She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

    He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

    Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

    And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

  2. #42

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Dave was at the pub when he suddenly releasied that he desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his farts with the beat. after a couple songs, he started to feel better. He finished his beer, then noticed that everybody was staring at him.
    Then he remembered that he was listening to his iPod.

  3. #43

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  4. #44

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    Another romp from the Muppets Studio -- The Muppets: Bohemian Rhapsody

  5. #45

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    What's the difference between Tiger woods and Santa Claus?

    Santa stopped at 3 ho's.

  6. #46
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Now cruising in the SUN! In Malta.

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Here is a South African joke playing in the Karoo, an arid and sparsley populated inland farming area:

    An old man in the Karoo calls his son in Durban and says, "I hate to ruin your day, son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough."

    "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister ib Chicago and tell her."

    And he hangs up.

    Frenetic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

    "There's no way they're getting a divorce", she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

    She calls the Karoo immediately and screams at the old man.

    "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

    And she hangs up.

    The old man also hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, smiling.

    "Great", he says, "they're both coming home for Christmas AND paying their own way"!

    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

  7. #47
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Stratford upon Avon

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    A new element

    I had suspected it existed but was not quite sure.

    Queens University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet
    known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one
    neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant
    deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
    surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
    Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
    detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into

    A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally
    take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
    Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay,
    but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
    neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

    In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
    reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
    This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
    Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
    This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When
    catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an
    element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has
    half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  8. #48
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Bay View, Ohio

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Oh, that one is excellent! One might also add that despite Governmentium's inert mass, it is capable of causing explosions when two differing molecules of it collide. This is caused by the overwhelming mass of morons being dislodged and unable to determine to which molecule they were originally attached. Of course, with the morons dislodged, the governmentium breaks into its discrete parts, explosively.

  9. #49
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Stratford upon Avon

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Here's another old one, but I think it has been improved.


    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
    There will be growing publikenthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

    If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  10. #50

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A man and a little boy are walking into the woods at night. The boy start to cry. The man says "What are you, scared?" The boy nods, and the man says "Well how do you think I feel? I have to walk all the way back alone!"

  11. #51
    watergirl Guest

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by 44C View Post
    How about a thread for jokes? Here's one to get things going....

    A fellow walks into a bar,
    notices a very large jar on the counter,
    and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
    He guesses there must be
    more than ten thousand dollars in it.
    He approaches the bartender and asks,
    'What's with the money in the jar?'

    ' pay $10 and
    if you pass three tests,
    you get all the money and
    the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
    And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

    'You must pay first......
    Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

    So, after thinking it over a while,
    the man gives the bartender the $10
    and the bartender drops it into the jar.

    'Okay,' the bartender says,
    'Here's what you need to do:
    First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
    in a minute or less, and
    you can't make a face while doing it.

    Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

    Third - There's a 80-year old lady upstairs
    who has never had ***....
    You have to take care of that problem!'

    The man is stunned.
    'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
    I won't do it!
    You'd have to be nuts
    to drink a quart of tequila, and
    then do all those other things.....'

    'Your call,' says the bartender.....
    'But, your money stays where it is.'

    As time goes on, and
    the man has a few more drinks,
    he finally says,
    'Where's the damn tequila?'

    He grabs the bottle with both hands
    and drinks it as fast as he can.
    Tears stream down both cheeks...
    but he doesn't make a face, and
    he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

    Next, he staggers out the back door,
    where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
    Soon the people inside the bar hear
    growling, biting, and screaming sounds...
    then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think that
    the man surely must be dead,
    he staggers back into the bar,
    with his shirt ripped open
    and there are scratches and
    he's bleeding all over his body.

    He says,
    'Now where's that old woman
    with the bad tooth?'
    LMFAO!! I can't wait to tell that one!

  12. #52
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    S.E. Florida

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into
    the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

    Passenger: 'Who?

    'Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time
    Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
    Frank Feldman every single time.'

    Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

    Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
    the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
    baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
    the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

    Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

    Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
    everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
    fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.

    But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.

    Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

    Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
    made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
    Frank Feldman.'

    Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

    Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his frickin wife.
    "The floggings will continue until morale improves"!

  13. #53

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A WOMAN'S POEM: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother.

    A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

  14. #54

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
    He descended further and shouted to the lady, "Excuse me, can you help me? I
    promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I

    The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering
    approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north
    latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be in I. T.," said the balloonist.

    "Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
    technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the
    fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
    you've delayed my trip."
    The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
    going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
    made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
    you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you
    were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

  15. #55
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Bay View, Ohio

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Truer words were never spoken, in jest or in real! At our place a memo made the rounds announcing that there would be a free seminar, with growth hours attached. It would be held on Saturday, April 1, and would deal with management issues. The title was Super High Intensity Training. I heard that three managers showed up on the day, including the superintendent of the board.

  16. #56

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Okay, twisted on a Thursday night. Time for one of my fav's:
    What's the definition of endless love?
    And no, it's not bowing down to the Admiral/Warden.
    "Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.

    -Albert Einstein

  17. #57
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Brighton, UK

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by KGP View Post
    Okay, twisted on a Thursday night. Time for one of my fav's:
    What's the definition of endless love?
    And no, it's not bowing down to the Admiral/Warden.
    Either you had too much giggle juice last night, or I havent had enough (if you knew Norwegian alcohol prices you would understand).

    I have no idea what you were talking about.
    Insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results

  18. #58

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Endless Love: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

    Giggle juice evokes it...
    "Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.

    -Albert Einstein

  19. #59
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Now cruising in the SUN! In Malta.

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    "Morning ***"

    She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

    My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
    Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen, table.

    Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

    Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

    She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

  20. #60
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Devon, UK

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A school teacher asks her class the following question:

    "There are 5 birds sitting on the fence, a man picks up his gun and shoots one, how many are left?"

    Little Johnny puts up his hand, the teacher says, "Yes Johnny, what is your answer"

    He says "None Miss"

    She says " None, why?"

    He says " Well the noise would make them all fly away"

    She says " No you are wrong, but I like your thinking"

    Little Johnny says " I have a question for you Miss"

    She says "OK"

    He says " There are 3 women sitting on a bench all eating ice cream, the first is gently curling her tongue around the top and smiling, the second is putting the ice cream in her mouth and slowly pulling it out, the third is agressively licking the sides up and down, - which one is married"

    The teacher a bit embarrassed says "the third one"

    Little Johnny says " No the one with the wedding ring, but I like your thinking"

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