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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #61
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Mickey walks into the bar, looking like 10 miles of bad road. The bartender says, "Begorra, what happened to you?" Mickey says, "Sean O'Conner and me had a fight," Bartender says "He never did that to you alone. What did he have in his hand?" Mickey says, "Twas a shovel he had in his hand, and a right good licking he give me with it, too!" Bartender says, "Well, didn't you have something in your hand, too?" "That I did," Mickey says. "I had Mrs. O'Conner's breast in my hand, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

  2. #62
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Guts or Balls...

    There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:


    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''




    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

  3. #63

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in
    California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have
    exactly 1,586 cows and calves'

    'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

    'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government',
    says Bud.

    'Wow! That's correct, ' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

    'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how
    much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .

    Now give me back my dog.

  4. #64
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

    After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

    The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws. "The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

    To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

    A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

    The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

    The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of a woman?'

    The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'

    The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.


    Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it.

  5. #65
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Waxin' The Boat

    Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.
    Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
    "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!
    She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave.
    I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!'
    She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
    After a couple of days Dave walks again into that bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.
    Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
    "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!
    She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one.
    I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!'
    She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"
    A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.
    Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
    "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave.
    Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
    So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
    I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said "It's either screw or swim!"
    She pulled down her pants and..... She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"

  6. #66
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    that is special!

  7. #67
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    We need a contest to make the funniest moral for this story.
    Currently concentrating on http://earthnurture.com .

  8. #68
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    Default Why sharks circle you


    Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
    “Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
    “First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”
    And they did.
    “Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
    And they did.
    “Now we eat everybody.”
    And they did.
    When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
    His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the s**t inside!”



    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  9. #69
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Might get into trouble for this one, but nothing underhand intended, but I have changed it slightly

    I took my dog down to the dole (social security) office today to see what he was entitled to.

    The man behind the counter said "You Idiot, we do not give benefits to dogs....",
    So I argued... "Why not? He smells, he's lazy, he's never worked in his bloody life and he can't speak a word of English.........
    His first payment is due next Monday

  10. #70
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    With apologies to the PC crowd:

    I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.

    -------------------------------

    I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your ****************ing will power'

    -------------------------------

    I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

    -------------------------------

    An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong’?? The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’ ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’?? The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, *** is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.

    -------------------------------

    I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’
    I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”??
    The answer I should have given was “ Fiji ”

  11. #71
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

    The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

    "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

    "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

    "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage. And no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

    Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

    "Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife.

    "That's his mistress," says her husband.

    "Ours is prettier."
    Roger

    ------------------
    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

  12. #72
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    Feb 2009
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Love Story

    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

    After having great *** ... She spent the next

    hour just rubbing his testicles ...

    Something she just loved to do.

    As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

    "Why do you love doing that?"

    Because ... She Replied ...

    "I Really Miss Mine"


  13. #73
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    This one had me in stitches :

    Letter to the Owners
    To: Owners
    Shipping Company Y

    Dear Sirs,

    It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you; regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own preconceived opinions from reports in the international press, for I am sure that they will tend to over-dramatize the affair.

    We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from changing the 'G' flag for the 'H', and being his first trip was having difficulty in rolling the 'G' flag up. I therefore proceeded to show him how, coming to the last part I told him to 'let go'. The lad, although willing, is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.

    At this moment the Chief Officer appeared from the chartroom, having been plotting the vessel's progress, and thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the 'let go' to the Third Officer on the forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared away, but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the 'pipe' while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out 'by the roots'. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans a tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.

    The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic. The result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel the Third Officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.

    After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer I gave a double ring Full Astern on the Engine Room Telegraph, and personally rang the Engine Room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the temperature was 83 degrees, and was asked if there was a film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report.

    Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of my vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was supervising the making fast of the aft tug, and was lowering the ship's towing spring down into the tug.

    The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to 'run in under' the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering my double ring Full Astern. The prompt action of the Second Officer in securing the shipboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes thereby allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel.

    It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a 'cable area' at that time may suggest that we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

    It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behavior of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance, is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records. The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to forcibly be restrained by the Steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital while he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my person.

    I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers, and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Third Officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These particulars will enable you to claim back the damage that they did to the railings of number one hold.

    I am closing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and the flashing lights.
    It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

    Yours truly,

    Master m.v. ���������..
    Roger

    ------------------
    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

  14. #74
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A Real Woman


    A real woman is a man's best friend She willnever stand him up and never let him down.She will reassure him when he feels insecureand comfort him after a bad day.

    She will inspire him to do things he never
    thought he could do; to live without fear
    and forget regret. She will enable him to
    express his deepest emotions and give in tohis most intimate desires. She will make surehe always feels as though he's the mosthandsome man in the room and will enablehim to be the most confident, ***y,
    seductive and invincible...


    No wait... Sorry..
    I'm thinking of whiskey.
    It's whiskey that does all that stuff.
    Never mind.
    "The floggings will continue until morale improves"!

  15. #75
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    Oct 2008
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by jkd View Post
    A Real Woman


    A real woman is a man's best friend She willnever stand him up and never let him down.She will reassure him when he feels insecureand comfort him after a bad day.
    She will inspire him to do things he never
    thought he could do; to live without fear
    and forget regret. She will enable him to
    express his deepest emotions and give in tohis most intimate desires. She will make surehe always feels as though he's the mosthandsome man in the room and will enablehim to be the most confident, ***y,
    seductive and invincible...


    No wait... Sorry..
    I'm thinking of whiskey.
    It's whiskey that does all that stuff.

    Never mind.
    Bloody Hell, John , you had me going there for a minute, I though you had gone clean off the rails or I thought I must have met all the wrong women , anyway I am glad you cleared up the confusion

  16. #76
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    The Mexican maid asked for a pay raise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
    She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
    Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."
    Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
    Maria: "Jor huzban, he say so."
    Wife: "Oh yeah?"
    Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
    Wife: "Nonsense, who said you're a better cook than me?"
    Maria: "Jor hozban."
    Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
    Maria: "The third reason is that I am better than you in the bed."
    Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"
    Maria: "No Señora, the gardener deed."
    Wife: "So how much do you want?”
    "The floggings will continue until morale improves"!

  17. #77
    TYRNTLZRDKING Guest

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    JKD,
    Good one. I did not see the punch line coming.

  18. #78

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    >A man was caught masturbating in a newsagents.
    >Apparently it's all over the papers.
    >
    >Muslim terrorists have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
    >Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
    >
    >Once upon a time, a man asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'
    >The man lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, went fishing and hunting and played golf. Drank beer
    >and whiskey, had tons of money in the bank, left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted.
    >
    >The other night I said to my wife, let's play Chilean miners.
    >She said, "So do you want me to go down your shaft until I reach the bottom"
    >I said no, just piss off for 4 months.
    >
    >Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
    >But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
    >
    >I was in bed with my girlfriend last night, and she said I had the biggest knob she had ever had in her hands.
    >I said you’re pulling my leg.

  19. #79
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
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    Cornwall UK
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    253

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Just sent this by a multihull broker:

    The wife and I were at home watching TV.

    I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the **** channel.


    She became more and more annoyed and finally said:


    "For God's sake!…Leave it on the **** channel!

    You know how to fish!!"

  20. #80
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    Aug 2009
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Tabs - unanswerable!

    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

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