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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #81
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A tough looking group of bikers were riding down Rt 275 heading toward the Skyway Bridge when they saw a girl about to jump off the bridge so they stopped.The leader, a big hairy, mean looking guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

    "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

    While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

    So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering French kiss, lasting about 3 minutes........

    After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..............................."


    Roger

    ------------------
    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

  2. #82
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    Default Re: Joke Thread







    A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
    Places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
    And asks what's in the bag.


    The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
    One foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
    Into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
    As well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.


    The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
    Beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.


    The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'


    So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! One wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'


    The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
    Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
    And they keep coming!


    The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think
    Your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
    Not a million ducks.'


    'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
    'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?











    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  3. #83
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    Default A.A.A.D.D.

    A.A.A.D.D. - KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ!

    Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
    Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!



    Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
    Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden.

    As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
    I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage,
    I notice mail on the porch table that
    I brought up from the mail box earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys on the table,
    put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
    and notice that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back
    on the table and take out the garbage first.

    But then I think,
    since I'm going to be near the mailbox
    when I take out the garbage anyway,
    I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my cheque book off the table,
    and see that there is only one check left.

    My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
    so I go inside the house to my desk where
    I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my cheques,
    but first I need to push the Coke aside
    so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

    The Coke is getting warm,
    and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
    a vase of flowers on the counter
    catches my eye--they need water.

    I put the Coke on the counter and
    discover my reading glasses that
    I've been searching for all morning.

    I decide I better put them back on my desk,
    but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter,
    fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
    Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
    I'll be looking for the remote,
    but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
    so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first
    I'll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers,
    but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

    So, I set the remote back on the table,
    get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then, I head down the hall trying to
    remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:

    the car isn't washed

    the bills aren't paid

    there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

    the flowers don't have enough water,

    there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

    I can't find the remote,

    I can't find my glasses,

    and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
    really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm
    really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem,
    and I'll try to get some help for it,
    but first I'll check my e-mail....

    Do me a favor.
    Forward this message to everyone you know,
    because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.


    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  4. #84
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    The Male Cycle


    When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriendwith big tits.

    When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there
    was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest forlife.

    In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too
    emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, criedall the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girlwith stability.

    When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
    She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with someexcitement.

    When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep
    up with her.. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling onanything.. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as oftenas happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, butdirectionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

    When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her
    feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was soambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

    I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  5. #85
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

    As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,

    "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

    "Yes, I'm sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

    He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

    A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

    The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
    definitely, one hundred percent certifiably, a dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
    which he handed to the woman.

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to
    tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
    would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
    Insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results

  6. #86

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Making a Baby..

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.

    The man should be here soon.'

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'




    'Oh, no need to explain, 'Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
    'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

    'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!.

    After a moment she asked, blushing,

    'Well, where do we start?'

    'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

    'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

    'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

    'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.



    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

    'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed,

    grasping at her throat.

    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.


    'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep

    to get a good look'

    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith,

    her eyes wide with amazement.

    'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for

    more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

    'Do you mean they actually

    chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

    'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can

    get to work right away..'

    'Tripod?'



    'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'



    Mrs.Smith?
    Mrs Smith?

  7. #87
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    BUSINESS PROPOSAL



    Johnny wanted to have *** with a girl in his office,
    But she belonged to someone else....




    One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
    her and said, 'I'll give you a£100 if you let me
    have *** with you. But the girl said NO.




    Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
    the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
    time you pick it up. '




    She thought for a moment and said that she would have
    to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
    boyfriend and told him the story.




    Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the
    money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
    Pants down.'




    So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
    goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
    girlfriend to call.




    Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
    asks what happened.



    She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'






    Management lesson:
    Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!




    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  8. #88
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started....

    ________________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
    While we were in bed I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have ***?'


    'No,' she answered. I then said,

    'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's how the fight started....

    ________________________________


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed,

    "He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    And that's how the fight started....

    ________________________________



    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...always something more important to me.


    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
    Busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
    For a short time and then went into the house….was gone only a minute,
    And when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
    Finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    And that's how the fight started....


    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ________________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And that's how the fight started....

    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
    Slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
    Proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
    Mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
    That the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed..

    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

    "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife replied, "And, can you believe my stupid Husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And that's how the fight started....

    _______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits .

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driving licence to verify my
    Age.


    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
    Come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
    She processed my Social Security application ..

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
    Social Security office...

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got
    Disability allowance, too.'

    And that's how the fight started....

    _______________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And that's how the fight started....

  9. #89
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A woman comes running in from the golf course into the clubhouse all frantic. She yells, "IS THERE A DOCTOR HERE? I'VE BEEN STUNG BY A BEE AND I'M ALLERGIC!"

    Of course it is mid-day on a Wednesday so there are mostly doctors in the clubhouse. A distinguished gentleman stands up and says, "young lady, I'm a doctor, where were you stung?"

    She exclaims, "between the first and second hole"

    Doctor says, "well, first I think your stance is too wide"

  10. #90
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    After a visit to a house of ill repute, a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctors.
    “That’s serious” says the doctor.

    “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

    “Yes” says the man, puzzled.

    “Well” says the doctor “You've got brothel sprouts.”
    "The floggings will continue until morale improves"!

  11. #91
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."

    She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

    He replies, "It's me... talking to the beer."
    "The floggings will continue until morale improves"!

  12. #92
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    Default Re: Joke Thread



    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  13. #93
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    THIS IS A VERY TOUCHING STORY, VERY HARD TO READ, ABOUT TWO BROTHERS WHO WERE SEPARATED AT BIRTH. IT'S A STORY OF LIFE DEATH, AND THE CRUEL TWIST OF FATE.

    IT'S CERTAIN TO STIR YOUR HEART AND TOUCH YOUR SOUL.
























    "The floggings will continue until morale improves"!

  14. #94

    Default Re: Joke Thread

    John, you know that image that's in your Yahoo inbox? Well it's still there
    Last edited by ColdFusion; 15th April 2011 at 08:26 PM. Reason: Speeelling

  15. #95
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    Bugger all

    Are there any mod's left here that can delete that worthless post?
    "The floggings will continue until morale improves"!

  16. #96
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    The Italian Lover

    A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

    Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

    After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile,
    "So, you finish?"

    She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,
    "No."

    Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

    This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

    The *** finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks,
    "You finish?"

    Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says,
    "No."

    Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

    Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again,
    "You finish?"

    Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear:
    "No, I Norwegian"
    Roger

    ------------------
    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

  17. #97
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    Default Re: Joke Thread

    > Mexican Oysters
    >

    > A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around Mexico.

    >
    > While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

    >

    > He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
    >
    > The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
    >
    > The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

    >
    > The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

    >

    > The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
    >
    > The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
    Sometimes the bull wins.

  18. #98
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    Default Merry Christmas Dinner (prep)


  19. #99
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    Default Re: Merry Christmas Dinner (prep)

    Quote Originally Posted by brian eiland View Post
    Where did you find that!!!

    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  20. #100
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    Default Dinner Prep

    A friend sent it to me....I just couldn't resist posting it in a few forums.....ha...ha

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