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Thread: Joke Thread - 2014

  1. #1

    Default Joke Thread - 2014

    Thought I would start off a new thread for the year and let the old one slowly disappear into the archives.

    John

    This butt-ugly woman walks into my local while I am sitting there enjoying a beer, pinches my arse and says “ Can I have your number ***y.”
    “Sure” I replied, “Have you got a pen?”
    “Yes” she replied, giving me a wink.
    "Then you had better get back in to it before the farmer realizes you are missing” I said.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
    The little boy said, "Why do you wear your collar backwards?".
    The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father..."
    The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
    The priest looked up from his book and answered,"I am the Father of many."
    The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
    The priest, getting impatient, said: "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014



    Happy 2014 John!

    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Hey Mike, may the winds blow in the right direction for you too during 2014!

    This may have been pasted before, but is worth a re-post if so.
    __________________________________________________ _

    Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

    Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

    The next day Mickey came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

    Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?" Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too."

  5. #5

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    A couple are at an Art exhibition and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts three very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; two have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

    As the couple are looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, “Can I help you with this painting. I’m the artist who painted it.”

    The man says, “Well, we really like the painting but don’t understand why you have three African men on a bench, where the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have black penises.”

    The Irish artist says, “Oh, you are misinterpreting the painting. They’re not African men. They’re Irish coal miners, and the one in the middle went home for lunch!

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Waiting for the weather.

    The Drunken Poem

    Starkle starkle, little Twink
    Who the hell am I, you think
    I'm not under what you'd call
    The alcofluence of incohol
    I'm just a little slort of sheep.
    I'm not as thrunk as deople pink
    I don't know who drank me yet
    But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
    So one more fink to drill up my cup
    I get all day sober to sunday up

    Cheers!

    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    MAKING A BABY

    There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

    The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

    'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

    'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

    'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

    'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
    'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

    'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.

    'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

    'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

    'Oh, my Gosh!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.

    'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.

    'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And! for more than three hours, too.”

    “The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

    Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

    'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

    'Tripod?'

    'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

    Mrs. Patel fainted ! ! !

  8. #8

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

    A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel.
    She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
    Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.


    Getting There:
    Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

    The Hotel:
    This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

    The Restaurant:
    Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

    Your Room:
    Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

    Bed:
    Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

    Above All:
    When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

  9. #9

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
    Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.

    "I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
    "But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
    "Really? Great! Show me!"

    So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

    "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

    "Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
    "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

    "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014



    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    > I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
    > As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin.
    > 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
    > I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
    I didn,t get where I am today by being somewhere else !

  12. #12

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    This is not about religion but about science.

    Finally Proof of Heaven and Hell

    The answer was purportedly in response to the bonus question on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?”

    Here is the student’s answer:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Excellent. I needed reassurance on this subject.

    What's this "ex-delivery guy" business. Had you worn a groove across the atlantic to BVI?

    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  14. #14

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Quote Originally Posted by dmmbruce View Post
    What's this "ex-delivery guy" business. Had you worn a groove across the atlantic to BVI?
    Mike
    Mike, I have crossed the Atlantic 32 times on catamarans alone and a number of times on mono's. Done the Pacific and Indian Ocean more than enough times. Done that bit up to your small island a few times and crapped myself crossing the Bay of Biscay a couple of times. Seen that bit of water between Africa and Europe in flat calm and in raging annoyance, also a few times. And I have this huge pile of T-Shirts

    And then I realized I was getting old and decided my home was actually an okay place! Shit happens! John.

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Well done. Many times over!

    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  16. #16
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Another well done. I hope we will still benefit from your knowledge and experience which is always welcome here?

  17. #17

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Thanks Mike and SteveH, yes, I will be around.

    The following is the logical thoughts of a farming kid:

    A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
    "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
    "No, they went to town."
    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
    "No, he went with Mum and Dad."

    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself. When the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

    The boy thought for a moment...then says, "you'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges R500 for the bulls and R150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.

  18. #18
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Better than usual -

    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  19. #19

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

    For example...
    A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

    From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

    Consumed with possessive rage, she reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

    Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a stiff drink.

    As she enters, she sees her husband there preparing her a late night snack, reading a magazine.

    "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l've let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

  20. #20
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    A few minutes before the church services started in this rural TEXAS town, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

    Everyone started screaming and running for the rear entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get awuay from evil incarnate.

    Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence...
    So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

    The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
    'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
    'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.
    'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
    ‘Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

    'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

    'Yep,' was the calm reply.

    'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

    'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

    The old Texas cowboy calmly replied,
    ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years....’

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