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Thread: Joke Thread - 2014

  1. #21
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    That's cruel.

    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  2. #22

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

  3. #23

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    The Responsible Brit.

    While hiking along the white cliffs of Dover this morning I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the English Channel .. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying.

    If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

    Being a responsible Brit, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed Kent Police and the Home Office.

    It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

  4. #24
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    John, you are obviously suffering mightily with being stuck on land!

    Cheers.

    MIke
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  5. #25

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Ah, you noticed!

    Oh well, I was asked to take a family on their new boat from Cape Town to Dar es Salaam next month and am doing so. I am cooking up frozen meals for the missus to keep her happy (she does not cook) and will have the back-up support of the neighbours keeping an eye on things.

    Other than that, I get sent these bits and bobs from a bunch of board pilots - the flying ones. Some of them are pretty good, but a bunch are really not suitable for publication on a family forum! John.

  6. #26

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.

    One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.

    All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her graveyard dead on the spot.
    At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

    When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

    This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

    So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

    The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

    'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

    'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

  7. #27
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    John, it must be a cold wet winter in Cape Town for it to affect you this way!!!!!



    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  8. #28

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    A Greek and an Italian were talking one day,discussing who had the superior culture.

    Over coffee, the Greek says "Well, we built the Parthenon."

    The Italian replies "We built the Coliseum."

    The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

    The Italian, nodding, says "But we built the Roman Empire ".

    And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says "We invented ***!"

    The Italian replies "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women.

  9. #29

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,

    I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.

    Love, Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,

    Don't dig up that garden.
 That's where the bodies are buried. 


    Love, Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,

    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
    That's the best I could do under the circumstances. 


    Love you,
    Vinnie

  10. #30
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    That's an improvement on an old one - thanks!

    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  11. #31

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    CONDOM USE ON AN AIRCRAFT

    A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
    Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
    But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

    And what were you thinking?
    I worry about you all sometimes!

  12. #32
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  13. #33
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

















    One evening last week, my lady and I were getting into bed.
    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
    'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

    I said, 'WHAT ?!! What was that ?!'

    So she says the words that every male on the planet dreads to hear...
    'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom ?'

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

    We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing ***ual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
    'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT ?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,


    'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you ?'

    Apparently, I'm not having *** tonight either....but at least she knows I'm as smart as she is.



    I didn,t get where I am today by being somewhere else !

  14. #34

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Cellphone Texting:

    "Hi Bob, this is Alan next door.

    I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you:
    I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling it in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

    The truth is, I have been sharing your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work.
    I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.
    My wife has known for some time now and I've promised her that it won't happen again."

    The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife twice in the head and killed her. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
    He took out his phone to respond to the neighbours text and saw he had another message:-

    "Hi Bob, this is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text: I expect you worked it out anyway, but as you saw, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ to Wife. Hope you saw the funny side of this!"

  15. #35
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    John, you had better go back to sea. This land based thing is clearly getting to you!

    Nevertheless, thanks!!!!!



    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  16. #36

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2014

    Yeh, I know! I am doing a "quickie" in a few weeks time taking a half-boat from Cape Town to Knysna - a three day sail if all goes well. Gets my bank manager smiling again.

    Due to the YL, can't stay away too long.

    And Paul, if you are reading this, all notifications are again coming thru to my Gmail account and not being sent to the spam folder anymore. Seems like the change in host is solving a lot of problems
    John

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