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Thread: Joke Thread - 2015

  1. #1

    Default Joke Thread - 2015

    Obama Dies of a Heart Attack

    One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

    Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

    In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

    "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.”

    The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

    "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

    The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this.”

    The devil smiled and said………..





    (This is priceless…)


    "OK, Monica, you're free to go
    The Ex-Delivery Guy
    Now retired on land after sailing over 400,000 nautical miles.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    The Definition of "A Dilemma"


    A student asked his English professor "What is the definition of a dilemma?"


    The professor said: "Well, there is no better way to answer that other than to use an example to illustrate the meaning".


    "Imagine that you are lying on the middle of a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other — who are you going to turn your back on?"
    The Ex-Delivery Guy
    Now retired on land after sailing over 400,000 nautical miles.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    Ah! A good one. And as far as I know it is new.

    John, this may give you a few smiles. Some of them are good, others less so. http://www.ybw.com/forums/showthread...o-End-The-Week

    Cheers!

    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    I read an article the other day which claimed that over 70% of bishops are gay.


    Imagine if they changed the rules of Chess now to acknowledge this fact... the bishops would still move in the same direction but can only be taken from behind!
    The Ex-Delivery Guy
    Now retired on land after sailing over 400,000 nautical miles.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    Lady Dentist

    A bloke goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. In preparation, she pulled out a very large syringe to give him an anaesthetic shot. "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the bloke said

    So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and he said, "I can't do the laughing gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me

    The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

    "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

    The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.

    "What are those?" he asked.

    "Viagra," she replied.

    "I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

    "It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your bloody tooth out."
    The Ex-Delivery Guy
    Now retired on land after sailing over 400,000 nautical miles.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    Where do you find these John?

    Cheers!

    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    Excellent!!
    Roger

    ------------------
    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    Doing nothing !

    https://www.youtube.com/embed/ulP6f9zXtTs?rel=0

    Women please unterstand why men like to do NOTHING sometimes!
    Roger

    ------------------
    I look to the future, because that's where I am going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    Brilliant, and

    Yes!

    Mike
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

    THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR
    SHOULDER?"


    THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.
    WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."


    "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT
    "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE."


    THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN
    HIS OVERALLS.


    THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED
    THE THEATRE.


    HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED ETHEL & MILDRED.

    THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.. .. ..

    THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS
    HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.


    "ETHEL", WHISPERED MILDRED.


    "WHAT?" SAID ETHEL.

    "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

    "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED ETHEL?

    "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT",
    WHISPERED MILDRED.


    "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID
    ETHEL."AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN EM ALL"


    "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S
    EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"
    ...throw off the bowlines...sail away from safe harbor...catch the winds in your sails...EXPLORE...DREAM...DISCOVER
    – Mark Twain
    www.floatingimpressions.com.au

  11. #11

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    Question: Why when abandoning ship are "women and children first"?

    Answer: So the men can be left to think of a solution in peace.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  13. #13

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old? Well......you'll love this one!

    My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

    Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 50-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

    Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

    This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park Secondary School.

    “Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner!” he beamed with pride.

    “When did you leave to go to college?” I asked

    He answered “in 1965. Why do you ask?”

    “You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

    He looked at me closely. Then the ugly, old, balding, wrinkled, fat-arsed, grey haired, decrepit, bastard asked......

    “What subject did you teach?”
    The Ex-Delivery Guy
    Now retired on land after sailing over 400,000 nautical miles.

  14. #14

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    It's been a bit slow on this thread lately.

    An old sailor was having trouble shaving his very wrinkled face so he went to see a professional barber and explained his problem.

    The barber said no problem at all and produced a little ball.
    Pop this in your mouth and put it into you cheek and it will make it smooth while I shave that side then swap it to the other cheek and I will do that side.

    That's sounds great said the sailor but what happens if I swallow it by accident?

    No problem said the barber, just take it with you, give it a good wash and bring it back next time you come in.

  15. #15

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    LOL good one!

  16. #16
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    Borrowed from Jill Gibbs;


    Here is this year's truly terrible Christmas joke.

    French guy showing me his yachts:

    “This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. And finally, this is Six.

    Me: What happened to the 5th one?

    French Guy: Cinq.
    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  17. #17
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    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015


    There's not much going on at present. But I found this from someone called John Baker, on (loathed) Facebook


    It had been snowing all night. So at ....

    8:00 I made a snowman.

    8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.


    8:15 So, I made a snow woman


    8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere


    8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead


    8:22 The transgender person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts


    8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.


    8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..


    8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa


    8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended


    8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role


    8:43 The Government equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction


    8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.


    9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.


    9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices... My children are taken by social services


    9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded



    Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today and it's going to get worse.



    Cheers!

    Mike


    Nothing works on an old boat, except the skipper.

  18. #18

    Default Re: Joke Thread - 2015

    Man, the "snowballs" make me chuckle so hard. Good one, Mike. This is obviously made up, but there are even more bizarre examples of SJW's going off the deep end out there. It's scary.

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